On most days...

On most days on your journey with grief you care about what you feel,  look like or if you can manage the smile for ano th er second. Then on other days the caring ceases and your outlook on the future becomes bleak again and you cycle back into the fold of pain of your loss of your child. Your space that was once full of laughter and joy is now void of such. Your values your hopes of that future are gone. And you wonder what future is there after this tremendous loss of your heart. It's the wondering that gets you on most days of the journey. It's the smile you must fake knowing that the world around us is moving along and our world without our child is at a stand still.  You face each day knowing that no matter what your new normal is not normal. You sit on most days looking for signs that your child is still with you. You hope for something to show you they are better and at peace, knowing that all you really long for is them to walk through the door even if for a second. You wish for life to start to make sense again now that you've been forced to live each day without a piece of yourself.  On most days you fight to get out of bed, or to go to work or keep focused at work. On most days you wish people around you remembered your child the way you do. On most days you just wish this was all a bad dream you could awake from. On most days you wish life gave you more time. On most days you try to understand this long lasting loss. On most days you pray for your heart will stop aching. On most days you hope for solace in the gravity of your pain and loss. On most days you hurt and want to stop fighting. On most days you just weep...