Monday, June 3, 2013

Another day without my heart

Most days I can get out of bed put my feet firmly on the floor and stand up. Then there are some days when my feet hit the floor with a Thud because my heart has gone for a tumble. Today I awoke from yet another restless night of no sleep. You see what I am living through, going through is the motions that follow child loss. In the eye of he storm after the day of the funeral it's what everyone expects you to do, to feel, to want to be alone. Then the months go by and everyone around you wants you to return to your old self---the person you were before your child died in your arms only months ago. It has been 8 months since Makenna died in my arms. I was there alone as per my usual. It was just us mother and daughter. Going through the worse possible movement you can imagine sharing with the child you vowed to protect and give your life for----and that moment you realize you have failed. Because in that moment when she took her last breath of life---so did I. My being died on September 13, 2012. Never to return again the smile she gave me the laughter and the tears. It was over-my life as I had planned it was now gone. I hear everyone say to me you will be happy again. You will have a family again. What's funny about that was Makenna was my family. No matter what we always had each other. Now I am alone. My house is filled with things in her room that only provide comfort. The rest of the days are just empty. My soul aches and most days it's easier to put on the smile because no one rarely ask how you are doing anymore. Who wants to start a dialogue with a grieving mother. You have nothing in common. People move on---and I am here standing still. Awaiting for the next fatality in this horrid life I have to stand in alone. I can fake it until I make it. Pretend smile and say to the world I've got this like I did when I was a single mom to a child with special needs. There's no old me to recover. It's a new me and most of you won't like what you see. The spirit the laughter is forced daily. I do my best to always make everyone else ok---and once again there's not a soul around for me.

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