Monday, December 17, 2012
It doesn't matter the time of day, I think of my daughter every waking moment. My heart begins to fill with joy of all the things we experienced as mother and daughter. Then I turn to see what she is up to rolling around on the floor---then I pause and realize she isn't here with me. The memories that I hold on to are all I have of her now. I begin to talk to people about what Makenna did or how she reacted to a certain situation and the room always draws to a silence. No one wants to hear a grieving mother talk about her child as if she were there in the flesh. They all look so confused wondering what is wrong with her. It is the same look I got during my four and half years of raising Makenna who had special needs. It is the look of "pity" this mom got a lemon. Pity this poor mother, pity this poor child. How in the world does she do this day in and day out. People often wonder about that. How I did "it". Well simply put Makenna Caroline Clark, was not an "it", she was my daughter whom I loved more than anyone on the planet. It was not something I did. SHE was my reason for being. So it is the same on the other side of this thing called grief. How will I do this thing called life? Unfortunately this time around I am unsure of how I will do it. Each day adds to my grief. Each day adds to my ache. Each day I struggle with the idea that I am now in this world alone without my daughter. Each day I see what other children are doing; playing, laughing, running, jumping. Those are what you call "triggers" those are the things that allow you to sink into a world of chronic sorrow. The triggers allow you to think about the memories- you know the one thing I have left to hold on to of my daughter. Those triggers act as a constant reminder that you are "without". You are without the child that no matter the looks of pity and nasty comments at time, you would give your own life to have back. You yearn for the smile, the laughter, the countless sleepless nights. So when I think about being the mom of a child with special needs and you hear the tried and true statement that, "God only gives special children to special parents" I think now does God only take special children away too. As I sit here this morning thinking about GOD and the plans that I have been told he has for my life or for the 20 parents who will bury their angels from Sandy Hook, I wonder why such a gesture to have a plan laid out for grieving parents. What plan could there be in store for my life that would be so grand that would make me understand "why" a child was taken so early? Or how does this loss measure up to having something better happen in your life. This I cannot understand. I have been told over the last 3 months that "God has such great things in store for my life, I have done and given so much love to Makenna God has something in store for my life" There it is---my life. PERIOD. Now "our" life that I had with my daughter. That is gone. She is gone. And I am left alone and empty trying to piece together my life without her in it. Well isn't just grand. All I knew from the start was I was to be her mother. FOREVER. Even when I was told otherwise I knew she was my child. I would do whatever it took to keep her pain free, safe and loved. I loved and loved and loved...and now I am without her. EMPTY. The sorrow embodies my daily existence. I dream of finding happiness and when I awake to go to her room, I am once again hit by the ache that fills my heart. I am without her.