Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Experience of Grief
Some people say that you experience grief in stages, others say that it is said to happen when something triggers the grief process. At the current moment I feel that my grief is not something that happen in a phase, a stage or on a continuum. I feel that when you grieve you give a part of yourself to the loss. The loss of a relationship, the loss of the role you had with the object, or person, or the loss of the time spent, time not spent, or time in the future. I sit here at my computer almost 3 months to the day tomorrow of having lost my daughter Makenna. She lost her battle with a rare syndrome called M-CM and Hydrocephalus. She endured 26 surgeries and countless other obstacles related to the condition. I grieve for the loss of her being on earth. I grieve and ache for the future I role of mother that I had planned. I ache for the loss of her spirit, her laughter, and her fighter attitude. It was in her strong will that I gained my will to get up in the morning. It was her will that gave me the ability to function in a world filled with doubt, unanswered prayers. I miss her smile and her laughter at my silly behavior. What I miss most is her love that she gave me in no words she spoke. She never was able to talk, or walk or sit up on her own. The things we took for granted she never shrugged at the possibility she was unable to do them. What she GAVE me was the foundation of love, the walls to my house are covered with her photos, the albums are full, yet my heart is empty. She remains in my thoughts daily. I sit and cry while looking at her picture. I hold her bear "George" and cry because it was the last toy she held. I grieve for my daughter because she in a world of struggle she was my ROCK. She gave me hope when I had none, she allowed me to me to just be her mom, no faults she saw in my character. I think she knew one day it would be time for her to let the battle go as a loss. Score one for heaven, zero for mommy. I know that on September 13, 2012 at 10:18pm when she took her last breathe she was free from pain and my process, my stage, my relentless grieving began. Only 3 months into this process of loosing a child....I grieve. Asking myself how will I ever move on from this place...without Makenna I ache.